LGBTQ+

What we do for our parents’ approval

A colleague of mine, who was heterosexually married at the time and had a small child, and I were having dessert. She began to talk about her desire to transition to live as a man, but she couldn’t ever transition because she was afraid of losing her mom’s love.

I had known her for a few years, and she knew I was a therapist and identified as a lesbian. It was the first time that she had brought up the issue, and I was honored that she would share such a tender wish with me.

I fired back cheekily, “So… you know this truth about yourself, and yet you are going to spend another 50 years on this earth or until your mom dies staying in the trans-closet to keep your mom’s approval!”

She said, “Damn, when you say it like that, it sounds harsh and depressing.”

I will admit that my delivery was not savvy. However, less than a year later, she let go of the need to fulfill some ideal for her mom and began transitioning.

Many years later, he (yeah!) is out to everyone in his life and in a meaningful relationship. He is an awesome dad and is very happy and successful.

Everyone of us lives with unmet expectations from our families

Whether you did not pursue the piano, even though mom wanted you to be a famous pianist, or said no to dad, who wanted you to carry out the family legacy of playing Little League baseball, all of us struggle with the unmet expectations of others.

The difference for Queer folks is that being our true selves can get us ridiculed, kicked out, excommunicated from our families and communities, or even killed. Depressing, right?

Coming out to ourselves and others is a process.

I do not know a queer person, who hasn’t felt shame and fear about acknowledging their sexual orientation or their gender identity to themselves or others.

Many of us know this information early in our lives, and sometimes it takes years or even decades to accept fully that we are LGBTQ.

What is LGBTQ+ affirmative therapy?

The premise of LGBTQ+ affirmative therapy is that people of all gender identities and sexual orientations are normal, unique, and healthy. This approach aims to assist you in fully embracing your sexual and/or gender identity.

Queer positive therapy helps us tease out specific negative messages that you may have absorbed from your families, your ethnicity or culture, or your places of worship.

Similar to other racial or cultural minorities, all of us have absorbed some form of internalized shame. This internal homophobia means that we believe in some conscious or subconscious level that we are not ‘as good or enough’ as other straight or cisgender people.

When this belief takes hold in us, it begins to grow like a bad mold in the basement or foundation of our house. We begin to withdraw from ourselves and others. Often, we either develop a secret life, drown out our pain with numbing behaviors, commit suicide, or become brave and reach out and ask for help to accept our true selves despite potentially losing the love and belonging of friends and family.

Here is the good news; there is nothing wrong with you!

Until the pain is too great, our belief systems are designed to choose love and connection over individuality every time.

One of my sheroes, who has taught me to be braver, says:

How do I get to the place of being unapologetic about being LGBTQ+?

You cannot get there alone. You cannot read enough books or recite enough affirmations. It is an inside out job.

First, together, we discover your limiting beliefs and how they have played out in your life. We talk about the messages you have heard or absorbed from your family or your culture. We also talk about how you currently feel about being or possibly being LGBTQ+.

Understanding how you feel about yourself helps me to know where you are on your coming out journey.

Psychologist, Vivienne Cass, developed a six-stage coming out model to help support and understand Queer folks, who are in these transitions. Each of the stages has unique issues, celebrations, and pitfalls.

We will work together to help you peel these layers of understanding, so you can discover your true self.

Second, we outline and discuss how these beliefs are not serving you anymore and how they have punctured your spirit.

Third, we utilize these amazing mind-body techniques (check out my Specialties pages for more details) to release these beliefs and be okay with being yourself, EVEN IF it means you might lose some long-standing relationships.

In short, I help you believe that you are enough.

When you truly believe that, then you will naturally gravitate to others who believe that too.

Is being rejected hard and painful? Yes, but living your life small and in fear and disconnected from your true nature doesn’t sound so great either.

What if I happen to be LGBTQ, but my issues are not exactly related to coming out?

Many queer people attend therapy because they are struggling with other related LGBTQ issues, such as dating, negotiating roles and expectations in relationships, dating someone of another culture, and queer parenting.

Sometimes, you are dealing with non-specific LGBTQ+ issues, such as self-esteem, past physical, emotional or sexual trauma, anxiety, depression, asking for what you need in life, or feeling lost or vulnerable.

You want to talk to a therapist from your community in a safe space that is validating and welcoming.

I help with those issues too. Please read my other webpages that explain how I help others to address and resolve many of those issues.

It is all about having a safe space with which to share your feelings and beliefs.

The songwriter and singer, Sara Bareilles, wrote the song “Brave” about a friend of hers that she wanted to come out of the closet. This song illuminates the two conflicting forces within us that struggle to stay hiden or to be brave.

Sara’s words ring true for all of us, especially those of us who are in between coming out to ourselves and declaring it to the world with love and grace.